I know some of you are sitting there reading this thinking that the April 15th A Dog’s
Lunch is really late. Not at all! I got an extension. Yeah, I got the idea when I got the
extension for my taxes. Getting an extension on your taxes is easy. You just fill out a form.
Getting the extension on the A Dog’s Lunch was even easier. I just asked the guy in charge-
me-if I could write it a little late and he agreed. Try it sometime when you have something
important to do that you’d rather put off. I think you’ll find yourself surprisingly
agreeable.
I was planning on writing about taxes anyway so the extension adds a certain gritty authenticity
to my writing. You may be wondering, as my parents did, why I, a man who only worked for six
months last year, needed an extension on his taxes? Was I on the road, caught in an endless run
of gigs at places like Ha Ha’s, Yuk Yuk’s, Giggles and Chuckles? Was I traveling with Operation
Smile (for which, upon audit, I will be able to produce documentation for my whopping $20
donation) providing reconstructive facial surgery for needy kids around the world? No, I really
needed the extension. I have a 23 year-old girlfriend!
I don’t like tax season for the same reason I don’t like the week before and after my birthday.
Itemizing your taxes gives you a true look at what you didn’t accomplish in the past year. I’m not
down and nobody needs to call me with a Knute Rockne story. I know I’m rich in other ways. If
you got taxed on a loving family, close friendships, or telling a good story-I’d be voting
Republican now. Here on earth, this isn’t the case and April 15th does smack you in the face with
the reality that you’ve earned just slightly less than a Nike factory worker. And without the perks.
Who cares if you have Dysentery when you can buy Air Jordans at cost?
I report every penny I earn to the government. I’m honest and I play by the rules but I also do it
for my own self-esteem. Sometimes I even consider adding a few bucks to my bottom line, just
so I can feel a little more successful. I can’t wait until I can write an A Dog’s Lunch on my week
in the Cayman Islands looking for the best places to hide money.
I saw where Dick Cheney paid millions in taxes last year, even with all the tricky tax loopholes
he helped pass. As pissed as he was at shelling out the cash, a little part of him had to say, “yeah
baby, I paid $7 million in taxes last year. I am the man.” OK, I don’t think that Dick Cheney has
ever once said, “yeah baby” except outside an abortion clinic, but I think you guys know what I
mean.
Let’s look at the positive side. I only spent $38.40 on buses last year. Good for me, Mr. Big
Time! It’s really hard to tell yourself you’re doing something in the comedy world when you’re
carrying a pillow and big bag of Doritos onto the Greyhound to make the ride to the next gig a
little more pleasant. FYI, if you need to take a bus to New England from New York, I
recommend the Peter Pan bus line. They show movies on the ride up I-95 and that is traveling in
style.
In 2000, I wrote off $1620.00 for meals. The IRS allows you $27 a day to eat while you’re on the
road. It amazes me when I hear people say, “I was so busy I forgot to eat lunch today.” I’ve
skipped meals because I was busy, but I’ve never actually forgotten to eat a meal. I don’t even
forget to snack.
Last year I wrote off expenses for video editing, T-shirt printing, and a Canadian Work Permit. I
think I’ve finally learned that just because something is an allowable expense doesn’t make the
money you spend you spend on it a good value. That massage parlor in Grand Rapids was
definitely a bad idea and a tenuous business expense at best.
I tried to be a lot more niggardly last year with the money I spent entertaining people like
comedy bookers and club managers. It’s funny how not being reimbursed for your expenses
changes things from a write off to a waste of money. I did spend $163.28 on entertainment last
year, the cost of a good meal when I had a real job with a real expense account. Most of the
$163.28 was spent following the phrase, “two Buds please.” True, I would have bought the beer
anyway, but an IRS allowable expense is an IRS allowable expense and, as you know, I play by
the rules.