I helped a couple of friends lay a hard wood floor this past weekend. Thirteen and a half straight hours on my hands and knees. That’s real work. If I weren’t a liberal before, I would be now. In New York you see swarms of immigrants doing construction grunt work. Serious hard work. You try building a building in a 2nd language.
The only people who work harder than immigrants are Caribbean immigrants. And Nigerians, but like most Americans I’m pretty sure that Nigeria is part of the Caribbean. If you’ve got a spot open, hire a Caribbean guy who’s new to America. If, for some reason, that guy takes a day off from work, he just does push ups and sit ups to get ready for the next day’s three part-time jobs. Plus the accent just sounds cool. Having a bad day? Find a Jamaican guy and ask him to say, “spaghetti and meatballs.” If you’re not smiling after that, then you are just one dour son of a bitch.
What we put in looks like a real wood floor. Actually it was a laminate floor made to look like real wood. This is America, where wood is plastic, and plastic is processed natural plant cellulose. Maybe we could skip the whole middle part of the process and make wood floors out of, oh I don’t know, wood? But, right now we need the jobs, so maybe that’s a suggestion for another day. President Obama if you’re reading this, just ignore that last part, and while I’m at it, ignore the thing about Spanish that’s coming up in six paragraphs.
I used to do a show at the U.S. Army’s Fort Drum where our 10th Mountain Division is based. At the main gate, they have a wooden sign with different inserts to indicate the current threat condition. I remember thinking the first time I saw it, we’ve got planes that can’t be seen by radar and missiles that fly themselves, and we’re still using wood to tell people what the threat condition is. What is that left over from the War of 1812?
Who’s the poor private who has to switch out the current condition when the Canadians start storming over the border like really down to earth banshees? “Hey Johnson, look in my desk drawer for the conditions. Switch out Normal for Really Deep Shit. I’ll be in the bunker with the general and his wife.” Actually, it’s wood; the guy could just whittle the current threat condition. “Johnson whittle Really Deep Shit, and then keep your head down.”
I think what we did was “lay” a hard wood floor. I’m not sure what the proper grammar is. I do a bit in my act where I describe laying on top of a woman, naked of course because in addition to comedy and my home improvement work, I’m also a gifted and very giving lover. I finally noticed some of the grammar-intensive people in the crowds flinching at my error: “laying” on top of a woman.
Chickens lay and people lie. That’s the old rule. I get it. I’m not a stickler but I get it. I’m uninhibited. What if I was “laying” on top of a woman who was “lying” on top of a chicken? Tough call, right? You figure out the grammar and I’ll figure out the morality.
Apparently I’ve dressed for years like a guy who lays floor. Fortunately on the one day when I actually needed to use a hammer, I was wearing one of my two pairs of Carhartt carpenter’s pants that conveniently enough come with a loop that actually holds a hammer. Brilliant. Those Carhartt guys are on the ball. Next I may actually use the crescent wrench I keep under the seat in my car.
My buddy Vinnie knows all the construction jargon so by the end of the day I actually sounded like I knew what I was doing, which is truly the secret to life. Seeming like you know what you’re doing. At one point I said, “We need to scribe the last piece that fits under the molding.” We need to what the what? I had the lingo down. Every job has lingo. It makes the day go faster and lets people feel like they’re in the know. Comedy has a lingo. Middling is when you’re the comedian between the host and the headliner. Whiskey down is toast at a diner. It just sounds cooler. Ever worked in a restaurant? The kitchen has a really involved lingo. Actually, it’s just Spanish. It’s a whole language.
There’s a lot to like about laying a floor, real wood or not. If you screw up, you just cut another piece of wood. And best of all, the floor never cares if you’re funny.