I got together at the beach, this past week, with a bunch of friends of mine whom I’d been
at the University of Delaware with about ten years ago. In the midst of eating a lot of crabs,
drinking copiously and repeating stories we’d all told and heard almost too many times, I
realized something. None of us had nicknames anymore. I wasn’t Kruger anymore. I was
just Dave.
Dave? Back then, I hung around with Bear, Eutzie, and Morty. We swaggered into bars too cool
to realize what dorks we were. Now I weakly vacation with my friends Joe, Steve and Bob. We
used to rip my friend Chris Lee as the man who had no nickname. Not anymore.
Very few adults use nicknames. Most of us have lost the need to feel like we’re still at summer
camp. You know who still uses nicknames? Mobsters, local politicians, and realtors.
Professional athlete’s use nicknames, but until they retire, they’re really still in college anyway.
So let’s get back to the three groups of holdouts: mobsters, local politicians, and realtors. All
have huge necks, are seemingly honest, and drive big American cars.
Not only do realtors use nicknames; they’re also the only group of salespeople who feel the
perverse need to have their picture on their business card. If you’ve seen a realtor’s card lately
then you know what I mean about the girth. You feel like saying to the realtor, “look, if I don’t
close on the house in time, can I live in your neck? That looks like a three bedroom neck you’ve
got working there.”
A lot of local politicians go by “Bud”. “Hey I’m going to vote for that old rascal “Bud” for county
registrar of wills.” “Bud” is a chummy kind of name. He’ll be real chummy while he’s making the
necessary back-room connections to sell off his worthless land miles from the new mall. Politics
should be a necessary evil of democracy not an industry. But I guess if it’s got to be an industry,
it might as well be an industry run by our old friend “Bud”.
Mob guys have the best nicknames. Can’t you see the young guys surreptitiously cooking up
crimes with a nickname in mind? “Tuc, why do you keep using that crossbow for stick-ups?”
Mob guys don’t stick with just one nickname. The newscasters list the whole litany. Arrested
today was Francis Denardo, AKA Frankie Bow Legs; AKA Francis Salad Bar; AKA Viva La
Francis.
All right maybe not Viva La Francis, but I’d trust a mobster with that honey of a nickname before
any politician and most realtors.